Is A Relationship About Compromise?

You've heard it time and time again “every relationship is built on compromise”. Is that so? When it comes to the core characteristics and deal breakers of possible mates I feel as though there should not be any compromise. We can compromise on what movie we watch, what’s for dinner, what color to paint the living room and possibly furniture selection, but we can’t compromise on core characteristics and deal breakers.

 Core characteristics like moral values, do they want children, if they eventually want to get married (although this is definitely not a first date topic), do they drink, what is their sexual preference or are they are they spiritually open minded these things are non negotiable. If the possible mate is emotionally unavailable, extremely guarded, a cheater, liar or not honest and forthcoming then these things would be considered deal breakers. The point I am trying to make here is when you open yourself up to dating that is the time to find out what you are looking for and what type of things breaks the deal on relationship possibilities. Going into a relationship under the guise of you can “fix” someone else is not fair to you or them. This does not mean that you can’t be friends or that at a later time a relationship may not work. Either you are good for each other, each of you has the things you seek in a mate or not.

If there is something that one person wishes they could change about the core characteristics of the other person, then they are not really in love with that person. When you try to change a person to fit what you want them to be you are essential saying you don’t like who they are and if that is the case, why are you with them? On the flip side if you change the core of who you are to be with someone else, how long will you be able to keep the facade up and will you be happy? It really says something about a person when they make the comment he/she makes me happy? How can someone make you happy? Shouldn't you be happy and in love with yourself first and then your mate accentuates your happiness? If someone makes you happy what happens when they no longer want to be in the relationship? Being the one that makes another person happy is a huge responsibility that no one should have to bear. We should learn to fall in love and be happy with ourselves first so we can attract the person that wants to share our love of self with us. Both people have to be at a point where they love their selves in order to be able to give love to each other.

Societal standards have an enormous impact on how people feel about their selves if they do not have a firm foundation and strong sense of self. We need to be comfortable with creating the relationship we want versus trying to fit into what society says a “normal” relationship should be. When I shared my perspective on love and compromise with a male friend of mine and he said “well no one is perfect and isn't that a selfish”. I calmly said “I don’t think so” but I definitely think its self-ful. In my opinion my top priority in life is me and making sure I am happy and being with someone who does not exhibit the characteristics I want in a mate at the time we decide to go into a relationship is settling and I don’t feel I need or have to settle. He then said “what if you met a man and you were not currently what he wanted”. I responded “it would be in his best interest to delay a commitment and continue to date to see if things changed or just go the other way, he shouldn't settle either”. Listen as Eartha Kitt shares some great mother wisdom on love and compromise.